the Little Red Reviewer

Archive for the ‘Disney’ Category

I had the best line for Belle’s opening number in Beauty and the Beast, but so far I haven’t been able to make the rest of it work. Who’dah thought that Gaston’s song makes for the best messing about?

Feast your eyes on the travesty that is Darth Bob!

Sung to “Gaston”, from Beauty and the Beast.  Makes a great duet!
Darth Bob:
Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with
the wrong Sith! No one says “no” to Darth Bob!
Lied to! Betrayed! Publicly humiliated! Why, it’s
more than I can bear!
More Gorg?
Darth Bob:
what for, nothing helps. I’m disgraced!
Who you? Never! Darth Bob, you’ve got to pull yourself together!

It disturbs the force to see you this way
Looking so down in the dumps
Every Sith wants to be just like you
Even when taking your jumps
There’s nobody here as admired as you
You’re everyone’s fav’rote bad guy
Everyone’s so scared shitless of you
and it’s not very hard to see why
No one’s mean as Darth Bob
no one’s fast as Darth Bob
No one’s force choke is as strong as Darth Bob
we’d all love to be your apprentice,
You’re perfect a pure paragon!
You can ask any Hutt , Dug or Wookie,
And they’ll tell you whose side they prefer to be on!
No one’s been like Darth Bob
a kingpin like Darth Bob
No one’s got conflicted soul like Darth Bob!
Darth Bob:
As a specimen yes I’m intimidating!
my what a guy, that Darth Bob!

Chorus line:
Darth Bob is the best
Makes even Ventriss all stressed
No one trains like Darth Bob
gives us pain like Darth Bob
in a challenge no one force chokes like Darth Bob!
For there’s no one as force sensitive,
Darth Bob:
I’ve got Midichlorians to spare!
you’re completely light negative!
Darth Bob:
my force powers are nearly as dark as my hair!

in a force duel nobody maims like Darth Bob!

Darth Bob:
I’m especially good at regenerating
When I was a lad I sacrificed my own Dad
when he could teach me no more
and now that I’m grown I never feel bad
and I know every last page of Sith Lore!
Chorus Line:
No one kills like Darth Bob
or has skills like Darth Bob
Then stomps the star system like you!
Darth Bob:
I use Death Stars in all of my decorating



Stay tuned for more silliness!

Yesterday we met our fearless bounty hunter / thief.  She dreams of training with the Jedi at their temple on Coruscant, but meanwhile she’s in trouble with her current clients who are getting ready to betray her.

Jumping forward in time a bit, she’s made a deal with the devil to get to Coruscant where she trains with Jedi Master Luke Skywalker.  Skywalker sure has his hands full, he’s got very little time to train new Jedi Knights, and little does he know there’s a secret agent in his latest crop of too-old students:

I’ll Make a Knight out of You.

(Sung to “I’ll make a Man Out of You”, from Mulan. Watch those pauses, they’re killer)

Let’s get down to business
to defeat the Sith
Did they send me farmers?
and not Padawans?
you’re the oldest bunch
I ever trained
but you can bet
before we’re though
One day I’ll make a knight
out of you.

Tranquil as a forest
but craving excitement.
Don’t think of adventure
Jedi craves not, those things.
You’re a sloppy slow
distracted lot
and you haven’t got a clue
Somehow I’ll make a knight
out of you.

(various padawans sing)
I’m never gonna catch
my breath
Say good-bye to
Boy was I a fool in school
for cutting gym
Skywalker’s got em
scared to death
hope he doesn’t see
I’m really Sith
Now I really wish that I
could use the force!

As Jedi
We won’t give in to
the dark side ever
As Jedi
with all the force
of the universe
As Jedi
With all the strength
In our power
Mysterious as the
dark side of Naboo

Time is racing towards us
till the Sith arrive
heed my every order
and you might survive
You’re too old to train
It’s preordained.
So pack up, go home
you’re through
How can I make a knight
how of you?

(Chorus repeats twice:)
As Jedi
We won’t give in to
the dark side ever
As Jedi
with all the force
of the universe
As Jedi
With all the strength
In our power
Mysterious as the
dark side of Naboo

The bad news is this isn’t a hoax.

The good news is George Lucas is donating much of the money from the sale to an educational charity.

But Disney?  doing a Star Wars movie?  I can totally see this turned into a 90s Disney musical, princess, animal sidekick, full musical score and all.  Perhaps Star Wars VII will open with a young bounty hunter, one who lives unaware of her latent force powers.  She’s  already in trouble with the Sith, and little does she know that the Sith has plans within plans. . .

our opening scene is sung to One Jump, from Aladdin
(this is even more fun if you’re singing along to the Youtube video)

Gotta keep
one step away from the air lock
one swing ahead of the Sith Lord
I kill only what pays a reward.
(that’s everyone!)

one jump ahead of the Sith Lord
that’s all, and that’s no joke
these guy don’t appreciate force choke.

[Crowd:] Riffraff! Street rat! Soundrel! Take that!

Just a little job guys

[Crowd:] Rip him open, take it back, guys

I can take a hint, have I been betrayed
Its time to get out of here!
[crowd:]She’s become a well known bounty hunter
But she cheated a powerful Sith Lord.

Gotta kill to live, cash in the reward,
tell you all about it when I’ve got the time!

one jump ahead of the Sith Lord
one skip ahead of my death
I’d scream except I’m out of breath!
one jump ahead of the Sith Lord
this ain’t as bad as it seems
I’ll bet I can escape their tractor beam.

[Crowd:] Stop, thief! Vandal! Outrage! Scandal!

Let’s not be to hasty

[alien] Human flesh is rather tasty!

Gotta kill to live, cash in the reward,
that’s why we’re never bored!

(Cue chase scene with required crash into a fruit stand)

[guards] she’s got a blaster!
you idiot, we’ve all got blasters!

one jump ahead of the Sith Lord

one skip ahead of my death

one trick ahead of disaster

They’re quick but I’m much faster

did I change the couplings
time to go to lightspeed
all I gotta do is jump!

that song is going to be stuck in your head forever now. totally worse than being rick-rolled.

At least now I’ll only be sued by one megacompany for copyright infringement instead of two. Stay tuned for the next installment of Disney Episode VII!  Who knows what adventures our bounty hunter/thief will encounter?  If she wants to escape the Sith and become a Jedi she’s got a lot to learn.

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FTC Stuff

some of the books reviewed here were free ARCs supplied by publishers/authors/other groups. Some of the books here I got from the library. the rest I *gasp!* actually paid for. I'll do my best to let you know what's what.