The silly resumes

Posted by: Redhead on: November 21, 2014

• In: Uncategorized
• 14 Comments

I’ve been looking for a new job lately.  no worries, it’s cool.  I’ve had some really good interviews, gone to some great networking events, and read about a bazillion websites on how to make your resume fricken’ awesome.  After looking through a bunch of sample resumes of different styles, I starting wondering what fictional characters’ resumes might look like. What would they highlight as their accomplishments? How would they make their mundane jobs look awesome? How would they “brand” themselves? What kind of e-mail address would they have? How much information about themselves would they put on their resumes?  Might I be competing against some of these people at my next interview?

generic image stolen from the interwebs

 

I ended up making resumes for Paul Atreides, Miriam Black, and Locke Lamora.  Much fun and silliness was had. Observe!

 

Paul Atreides
The Keep
Arrakeen
Arrakis (Dune)
email: kwisatzhaderach@arakkis.com

Experience

 

Emperor
Proven track record of excellent leadership abilities by  completing complex projects by bringing multiple parties and departments together. Fostered team atmosphere that promoted diversity and respected environmental concerns.
– Relocated Imperial Capitol to Arrakis
– Exposed  inefficiencies in outgoing leadership.
– Organized the tribes towards a uniting goal
– Developed and implemented new system of power and currency

.
Duke’s Son (heir)
This position included extensive training in Mentat capabilities, weaponry, music, and diplomacy.
– Completed challenging training modules
– Promoted a self starting and enthusiastic attitude with associates
– Conscientiously observed Duke Leto to best understand the Landsraad

 

Education
Homeschooled, privately educated.

Additional Skills
Licensed on Ornithopters and Carryalls of most makes and models (VFR and IFR)
Highly proficient with crysknife and lasgun
Prescient

 

Miriam Black
Seedy Motel, Grimsville
donttouchme@imserious.com

QUALIFICATIONS:

– Willing to relocate and travel.
– Accustomed to working unsupervised in fast-paced environments with the ability to think quickly
– Excels in business negotiations with a strong, fearless, blunt style
– Proven track record of anticipating clients needs
– Proficient with Microsoft Word and Excel

WORK HISTORY:

Courier, Louis’s Document Services, Aug 2014 – present

Worked independently and completed most deliveries before clients arrived to the office
Improved efficiencies by 75%
Received top marks on performance evaluations

Waitress, Katie’s Cafe, June 2014 – Aug 2014

Hostess duties, including greeting, seating, and cashing out restaurant customers
Waited on customers, made sure food orders were completed efficiently
had to leave because someone touched me.

Order picker, Amazon warehouse, Jan 2014 – Apr 2014

Picked orders with an error rate of less than .001%
occasionally written up for using inappropriate language

 

References available upon request

 

 

Locke Lamora

Temple of Perelandro
Temple District, Camorr
nicebirdasshole@Camorr.rr.com

Summary of Qualifications:

Experienced business manager with 10+ years experience in sales, investments, certified wealth redistributor, persuasive communications and import/export consulting services. Able to manage multiple projects and priorities, experienced with team management, providing training opportunities, and youth coaching. Fluent in Vadran, Talishani and Varrari. Ordained in the priesthood of the Nameless Thirteenth.

Professional experience:

Captain, Red Messenger Exploratory and Survey Svcs

– Graduated from accelerated and customized training program
– Consistently exceeded scheduling expectations, was present at all required meetings with clients
– Responsible for recruiting, orienting, training and supervising 50 staff, was able to reduce staff turnover from 68% to 14% by   improving staff orientation and training, professional development, and mid-level management coaching
– Provided leadership and achieved strategic and organizational goals

 

CEO, GentBast Wealth Transfer Consultants, LLC

– Provided youth training and internship opportunities
– Independent Consultant to several small businesses, law firms, non-profit agencies and religious congregations, often involving large investments
– Facilitated client meetings and networking events
– Oversight of all aspects of staff performance; performance evaluation, progressive discipline, mediation of staff disputes and grievance procedures in accordance with state and federal laws.

Awards and Accomplishments:

’77 Winner of The Thiefmaker’s MVP award (ask me for more details!)

Would you interview any of these people?

Tags: humor