the Little Red Reviewer

Archive for the ‘Mash-Up’ Category

Time for your favorite Little Mermaid to get all entangled with Midichlorians.   I do love that movie, so it only hurts a little bit to mash it up like this.

Meanwhile, on a rusty backwater planet, our bounty hunter/thief yearns to escape her downtrodden life and train as a Jedi. She’s collected bit and pieces, flotsam and jetsam, object that she thinks epitomizes the world she’d like to be a part of. And if she works hard enough, maybe, just maybe she’ll be able to train with the famed Jedi Master Skywalker. Little does she know, he’s already got his hands full.

Sung to the tune of Part of Your World
(go ahead, open and run that YouTube in another window. It’s way more fun when you sing along!)

Look at these droids
aren’t they neat.
wouldn’t you think my collections complete?
One of them even knows the
binary language of trade!
look at this droid
he’s part cyborg,
how many wonders can one cavern hold
looking around here you’d think
sure, she’s got everything!
I’ve got droids and blasters a-plenty
I’ve got cannons and couplings galore.
you want disruptors?
I’ve got twenty
but who cares?
no big deal,
I want more!

I wanna be where the Jedi are
I wanna learn, train with their younglings
I know I’m to old too train,but maybe there’s a place
for me. . .

Hanging ’round here you don’t get to far
Jedi training is needed to change my future
stealing and running all day, it gets dull for
sure!

Up where they fight, up where they run
up where they stay all day in the sun
Standing for them, one day I’ll be
part of that world.

What would I give, if I could live, with their favor?
what would I pay, to spend a day, training lightsaber?
Betcha up there, up there they see
Bet on Coruscant they’ll need me
Bright young women, sick of stealing,
ready to stand. . .

and Ready to know what the Jedi know
ask masters my questions and get some answers
even if they speak weird sometimes, it’s
Okay. . .

when’s it my turn?
wouldn’t I love to support the rebellion?
up in the sky
Wish I could be
one of the Jedi

Yesterday we met our fearless bounty hunter / thief.  She dreams of training with the Jedi at their temple on Coruscant, but meanwhile she’s in trouble with her current clients who are getting ready to betray her.

Jumping forward in time a bit, she’s made a deal with the devil to get to Coruscant where she trains with Jedi Master Luke Skywalker.  Skywalker sure has his hands full, he’s got very little time to train new Jedi Knights, and little does he know there’s a secret agent in his latest crop of too-old students:

I’ll Make a Knight out of You.

(Sung to “I’ll make a Man Out of You”, from Mulan. Watch those pauses, they’re killer)

Let’s get down to business
to defeat the Sith
Did they send me farmers?
and not Padawans?
you’re the oldest bunch
I ever trained
but you can bet
before we’re though
One day I’ll make a knight
out of you.

Tranquil as a forest
but craving excitement.
Don’t think of adventure
Jedi craves not, those things.
You’re a sloppy slow
distracted lot
and you haven’t got a clue
Somehow I’ll make a knight
out of you.

(various padawans sing)
I’m never gonna catch
my breath
Say good-bye to
Tatooine
Boy was I a fool in school
for cutting gym
Skywalker’s got em
scared to death
hope he doesn’t see
I’m really Sith
Now I really wish that I
could use the force!

As Jedi
We won’t give in to
the dark side ever
As Jedi
with all the force
of the universe
As Jedi
With all the strength
In our power
Mysterious as the
dark side of Naboo

Time is racing towards us
till the Sith arrive
heed my every order
and you might survive
You’re too old to train
It’s preordained.
So pack up, go home
you’re through
How can I make a knight
how of you?

(Chorus repeats twice:)
As Jedi
We won’t give in to
the dark side ever
As Jedi
with all the force
of the universe
As Jedi
With all the strength
In our power
Mysterious as the
dark side of Naboo

The bad news is this isn’t a hoax.

The good news is George Lucas is donating much of the money from the sale to an educational charity.

But Disney?  doing a Star Wars movie?  I can totally see this turned into a 90s Disney musical, princess, animal sidekick, full musical score and all.  Perhaps Star Wars VII will open with a young bounty hunter, one who lives unaware of her latent force powers.  She’s  already in trouble with the Sith, and little does she know that the Sith has plans within plans. . .

our opening scene is sung to One Jump, from Aladdin
(this is even more fun if you’re singing along to the Youtube video)

Gotta keep
one step away from the air lock
one swing ahead of the Sith Lord
I kill only what pays a reward.
(that’s everyone!)

one jump ahead of the Sith Lord
that’s all, and that’s no joke
these guy don’t appreciate force choke.

[Crowd:] Riffraff! Street rat! Soundrel! Take that!

Just a little job guys

[Crowd:] Rip him open, take it back, guys

I can take a hint, have I been betrayed
Its time to get out of here!
(beat)
[crowd:]She’s become a well known bounty hunter
But she cheated a powerful Sith Lord.

Gotta kill to live, cash in the reward,
tell you all about it when I’ve got the time!

one jump ahead of the Sith Lord
one skip ahead of my death
I’d scream except I’m out of breath!
one jump ahead of the Sith Lord
this ain’t as bad as it seems
I’ll bet I can escape their tractor beam.

[Crowd:] Stop, thief! Vandal! Outrage! Scandal!

Let’s not be to hasty

[alien] Human flesh is rather tasty!

Gotta kill to live, cash in the reward,
that’s why we’re never bored!

(Cue chase scene with required crash into a fruit stand)

[guards] she’s got a blaster!
you idiot, we’ve all got blasters!

one jump ahead of the Sith Lord

one skip ahead of my death

one trick ahead of disaster

They’re quick but I’m much faster

did I change the couplings
time to go to lightspeed
all I gotta do is jump!

that song is going to be stuck in your head forever now. totally worse than being rick-rolled.

At least now I’ll only be sued by one megacompany for copyright infringement instead of two. Stay tuned for the next installment of Disney Episode VII!  Who knows what adventures our bounty hunter/thief will encounter?  If she wants to escape the Sith and become a Jedi she’s got a lot to learn.


About this redhead, etc.

Redhead is a snarky, non-politically correct 30-something who reviews mostly science fiction and fantasy and talks about all sorts of other fun scifi and fantasy geekery. She once wrote a haiku that included the word triskaidekaphobia.

This blog contains adult language and strong opinions. The best way to contact her outside of this blog is twitter, where she is @redhead5318 .

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